if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
