I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
