Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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