My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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