I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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