Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
