We got so high we made milksteak
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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