i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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