You smell like a Billy Joel song
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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