I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
