I will die if light touches me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
