Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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