I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
