It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
