the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
