ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
