even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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