I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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