I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
