I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
