I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
you had me at cake vodka
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
