I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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