Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
