My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dear god my vagina.
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