I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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