Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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