If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
