i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
