Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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