Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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