am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
