i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Be still, my beating vagina.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
