He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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