i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
