i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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