We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
