Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
