I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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