Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
