Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
