does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
