just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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