My cat gives me a boner
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
