You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
