Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
