Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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