You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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