Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
