i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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