A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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