Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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